Tansy Undercrypt

In her tell-all book, the fairy Merryweather revealed that the prince was actually a coffee merchant from a distant land who stood to make a fortune with Kingdom Cappuccino stands if he could wake Princess Aurora up. “Money was the real incentive of love’s true kiss,” she told Ellen DeGeneres and a hushed TV audience. “I mean, let’s get real,” Merryweather continued, her wings whirring and suspending her like a hummingbird over the chair. “She was a beautiful girl, but she snored like a sailor, drooled like a lapdog, and hadn’t brushed her teeth for months!”

During that whole “Ariel’s-sold-parts-of-herself-to-a-witch-for-love” debacle, Jeff and Jenny (also a son and daughter of Triton) each packed a giant conch and left for the deep sea. No one cared about water pollution or overfishing or acts of diplomacy to bring the ocean factions together. It was clear that they were neither beautiful nor shallow enough to carve out a satisfying life being decorative at the palace. Leaving was dangerous; there would be sharks and eels and worse, perhaps, but they had each other … and there would be room enough for bigger dreams and a greater purpose.

She brought her walker up flush with the sink and rested her forehead against the mirror. It began, “Even near death, you remain the fairest …”. “Hush now, old friend,” Eva interrupted, patting the glass gently. “I’m going soon; I can feel it. I’d like to do something for you before that happens. I’m wondering: would you like to be free?” Eva heard a small gasp and smiled. “Thank you, dear Mirror, for everything on behalf of all of us down through the centuries. Whatever you are, wherever you might go now, you are hereby released.” She then headbutted the surface so hard that she cracked both it and her own skull and slipped to the floor. Eva felt someone there with her as she began to fade and a trembling voice whispered, “The fairest – the kindest – of them all.”

The woodsman traveled to schools with the shoes in a special case. He would set up a viewing in the parking lot and the students would always come – driven by the morbid curiosity the legend inspired. “Yes, these are THOSE red shoes,” he would promise them, “and, yes, they are still dancing.” There would always be a screamer and a fainter (at least one), but the woodsman liked to think that these were the Most Affected – the ones saved from the depravity of their obsessions just in the nick of time. What he was trying to do was noble (and worth the occasional tussle with the Law for still having the feet inside).

When the ambassadors were shown into the throne room, they were surprised to find that the queen had grown significantly in size. She gave them a dazzling, rosy-cheeked smile, sensing their discomfort. “King Charming passed nearly eight years ago now,” Cinderella said, gesturing to the butler that the rolls should be passed and the tea poured. “Alone at the helm, I realized that I could not turn our economy around on 800 calories a day. I understand you’ve reached your highest rate of inflation in 200 years?” They looked down and nodded grimly. “Well then, Gentlemen,” she said, taking a lemon scone from the serving platter, “I invite to you sit down and tuck in.

“The apple contained powerful dark magic, and Snow White died instantly.” Juanita’s eyes grew wide. “Of course, three of the dwarves were necromancers, so that was no problem. Doc led the other four in gathering everything they’d need for the raising ritual the following night.”  Juanita loved it when the goth kid was her babysitter; all of the old stories were new again.

“This is the best part,” Berta said, quieting them. “And so, Little Red approached the bed cautiously, telling Grandma she looked a little different and suspecting the wolf had something to do with it,” Emil continued. “The thing is, Grandma WAS the wolf! She had changed under the full moon just in time to EAT HER!” The children gasped and the adults snickered, then everyone sighed. They tucked the pups into bed beaming at each other. So few stories translated over to lycan life like that one; it gave bedtime such warmth and joy.

After realizing she’d be paying for that ridiculous mermaid incident forEVER, Ursula blew ink and got the hell out of Dodge. Neptune could go brine himself; she wasn’t ready to be part of a reef yet. Potions packed and eels in tow, she rolled across the deep at top speed; she was heading to the South Pacific where they knew how to show an old girl some new tricks. The tentacles-only resort at R’lyeh was the very first destination on her list.